Self Love is a saying that gets thrown around a lot these days, evoking all kinds of feelings, no doubt. When I first stumbled upon those words it was clearly part of a marketing campaign, asking me to spend more time loving myself- hence, allowing myself more time to spend bathing with their products. More and more I saw those words in everything from marketing campaigns to individuals exclaiming how deeply their self love ran. Being completely honest, I kind of started rolling my eyes every time I saw it. I know, I know.. All the cool kids were talking about it and doing it (whatever that means). I guess part of me was annoyed that this marketing ploy had taken off and the other part of me felt like the whole concept seemed rather.. Selfish.

Selflessness in a Selfish World

It does seem to me that a lot of people in today’s world tend to put their own needs above others and quite frankly, I felt this whole concept feeds into that a lot. As a Christian (don’t worry, I’m not about to start preaching, but just to give some perspective), I feel that I’m called to be selfless, humble and looking for ways to serve others (Philippians 2:3-4, Galatians 5:13), not selfish and looking to glorify myself and my own needs. It was hard to see where self love fits into to that. Each time I saw those words though, I couldn’t help but pause and contemplate them a bit more. The more I thought about it, I started to see it in a whole new light. As a mom to two young kids I am in a season of life where I do certainly give selflessly. Oftentimes to the point of neglecting my own needs. These two little people are so completely dependent on me to meet their needs that it seems easier to put what I need on the back burner for now so that I can fully be there for them. As I thought about it more, I realized that yes, we are called to be selfless and giving to others, but we’re also called to love ourselves and appreciate what God’s given us (and that even means our own body). Love your neighbor as you love yourself.. So you love your neighbor, but are you really loving yourself? These words started to swirl around my head and then suddenly I had a very particular event come to mind.

Just weeks before my wedding, my phone rang very early one morning. I let it go to voicemail (I am not a morning person) only to have it ring again and again not long after. I groggily picked it up and heard my mom’s shaking voice telling me at just 53, my father’s had a heart attack. She drove him to the nearest hospital and after barely walking in he collapsed. A medical team then violently stabbed his arm with a needle and loaded him up to go downtown to the bigger hospital. She was instructed to follow behind. I’ll never forget asking her if he was still alive. She was quiet for a full minute and just said “I don’t know”. I rushed to the hospital and we waited on news. It was good. He had come out of surgery and apart from needing a few days in ICU, he should make a full recovery. The doctor warned how serious this was. It was no minor heart attack- had he gotten there even a minute later he’d probably be dead. We all needed to be vigilant to keep him on track and prevent another one. As relieved as I was I couldn’t help but be a little mad. You see, my father’s father and most of his uncles had died of heart attacks. Why wasn’t he taking better care of himself? He had high cholesterol, was overweight and not exercising. It’s been 7 years now, and he does take care of himself.. at times. Sometimes he doesn’t. I can’t help but feel like him not taking care of himself is like him not loving me, or my kids, or my mom and brother enough to be here for us. In other words, by loving himself and taking care of himself, he is loving all of us. That’s really not so selfish after all, right?

Which brings me back to the two little people I constantly put ahead of myself. I need to be taking better care of myself. If not for my own selfish needs, then for them. I need to prioritize getting more sleep, exercising, spending time taking care of my spiritual needs. All the things I push to the side, thinking that I should be doing for them or others instead.

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Comparison is the Thief of Joy

The other side of the coin comes down to how I view myself. As cliché as it sounds, comparison really is the thief of joy. While I’m not one to sit around comparing myself to every beautiful woman out there, I have to admit that I’m afraid to be compared to beautiful women by others. I just turned 34 a few weeks ago and being honest, that sounds sooooo incredibly old to me. I remember being in my early 20’s and meeting someone that age and thinking how much older they were. Like they were a real adult (aka: super old). One advantage of being my age is that I’m very comfortable in my skin now. Little things that used to bother me as a teen or young adult seem to be like an old friend now. The shape of my nose, the slight widow’s peak of my hairline. What I don’t welcome with open arms is the burgeoning crows feet and slight lines that have have occurred over the last year. I also resent the under eye bags that have seemingly made a permanent residence since having kids. If you follow me on social media, you may have noticed how camera shy I am. I don’t even have a profile picture on some accounts. Truthfully, I am ok with my looks, especially meeting someone in person. I just don’t want to post a selfie that might show before or after the selfie of a gorgeous 22 year old in your feed. I’m not comparing myself you see, but I’m certainly scared of you comparing me to others. But that’s not really loving myself either, is it?

So I feel like I need to make a commitment to myself. I’m going to love myself enough to prioritize my own needs like getting enough sleep, even when that means I’m skipping out on doing something for someone else. I’m going to love myself enough to post a picture of myself without feeling self-conscious of other peoples’ perceptions. I’m not saying I’m going to post daily selfies (let’s not get crazy here), but I think I owe it to myself and my reader’s to be more comfortable with myself and show my mug more often. Perhaps it seems like I’m embracing this whole self love movement. Maybe. Let’s just say, if loving myself helps me give my best self to others, then I’m onboard.